so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
