there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
