dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
