Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
