what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
