hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
