I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
