I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
