Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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