I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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