so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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