Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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