Christians are straight up FREAKS
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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