Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
