he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
