I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
