I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
