you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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