I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I need moral support for this bender
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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