You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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