He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
