I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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