oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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