Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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