Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
