Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
