Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
