I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
