she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
