I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
