the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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