My sheets look like a crime scene.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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