I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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