hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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