If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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