If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
