too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
