So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
