im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
