So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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