im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
