It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
