i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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