we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just found puke in my bra..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
