I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
