I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
