1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
