I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
