If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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