Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
