This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
