Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
