dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
