$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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